childhood trauma

i was just thinking if it werent for my mom coming into my room i would have killed myself but i mostly want to kill myself because she fucked up raising me

okay i just realized ive been remembering a lot of my childhood out of nowhere, i was 11 in 2021 why did i randomly remember that and like a bit ago i remembered when i was like 4 or 5 being locked in a basement WHERE are these coming from why am i randomly remembering these

im also confused on what i could have done as like a 4 year old to piss my mom off that much that she would yell at me and lock me in the basement for hours

i still remember my mom beating me when i was 9 to 13 i remember this one day really vividly i was on the floor and she was kicking me in the face and then the next day we had like a school party and she told me to tell everyone i got allergies because my face was all fucked up

like 4-5 was just my mom yelling and locking me in there 6-8 was basically just me being stuck in a hospital for lung inflammation i remember looking out of the window and i was literally just not allowed to go outside for more than 20 minutes.. i also remember little me learning morse code so i could try and talk with people in other buildings by turning on and off my flashlight 😭

and i also remembered how my mom used to joke about this? is this like not fucked or am i overreacting

and there was like a little walkway on the side of our house where my neighbors usually walked and there was a little window there i VIVIDLY remember my little hands around the bars and one neighbor was walking down and saw me and asked if she locked me there again and i was just crying and then she walked away

like my mom used to lock me in the basement when i was like 4-5? i dont remember exactly how old i was but i know i was little i literally remember my mom yelling at me and throwing me down there

its so hard to love my family when i randomly remember the things theyve done to me

i wonder if my mom even realizes how crazy saying "do u want me to kill myself" to a suicidal person is